Parent Tips to prevent and intervene in school bullying

By Jessie Klein, Adelphi Associate Professor in sociology/criminal justice

Director, CHI supported creating compassionate communities

Parents and other caregivers are understandably concerned about the prevalence of bullying in their children’s schools. Being bullied is painful for the target of this behavior but also stressful for the whole family.

Giving children a loving and safe home is essential for creating a sense of safety and security for children. No matter what else is going on at school, children will appreciate being accepted and supported for who they are.

If your child complains of being teased or otherwise hurt, make sure to listen carefully and prioritize your child’s concerns. Other children might be engaging in hurtful behavior because they are in pain themselves; help your child understand that the hurtful behavior likely has little to do with your child.

Encourage your child to talk freely about the experiences. Empower your child to make suggestions about what could be done to make the situation better. Make a list of ideas. (Brainstorm freely: Talk to the other child’s parents; talk directly to the aggressor; ask a teacher to intervene…). Then cross out anything one or both of you do not want to do—and see what choices remain. If reasonable, let your child make the final decision regarding next steps. 

Be empathetic with your child and after your child feels heard and supported, try to make guesses about what is going on for the child or children that are acting out at school.

Help your child develop compassion for his or her self and also a resolve to not let the hurtful behavior “come in”.

Do not encourage fighting back. Children need to resolve their own conflicts peacefully and if they are unable, they need to seek adult guidance—from you and from the school. This is good preparation for our responsibilities as citizens. If we can’t help as a member of our community, we call on the specific authorities that can be more effective.

Make sure the school (teachers, guidance counselors, Principal) is aware of the hurtful behaviors taking place. Remind the school regularly that you expect them to maintain a safe environment for the students there. Work with school faculty closely to support your child.

Often bullying occurs because other children are uncomfortable about how another student expresses their gender identity or sexuality. Make sure the school enforces the New York State Dignity for All Students Act that protects students from harassment around actual or perceived gender identity and expression. Schools are required to actively create a safe environment for students regarding these issues. Remind your child of these rights and work with the school to uphold their responsibilities.

Finally, help your child have important relationships with children and adults you trust outside of school. Children need to know that the school is only one small place and not their whole world. Having a good friend and/or mentor outside the school helps your child feel supported and cared about even if the school environment is stressful. Caring relationships with self and others are one of the greatest buffers against others’ hurtful words and actions.

If the school is unable to resolve the issue for you and your child, consider seeking support from the Superintendent. Changing schools, as a last resort, is also an option if it is possible to do so.

Remember, it is most important to give your child extra love and support and remind your child often how much you and the rest of your family and friends care.

Jessie Klein PHD, MSW, M.Ed.

Author: The Bully Society: School Shootings and the Crisis of Bullying in America's Schools (NYU Press 2012)
jessieklein.com, creatingcompassionatecommunities.com

"Be Kind whenever possible. It is always possible." ~Dalai Lama